From time to time (read: after 10 pm on emotional wine nights), I decide to foray into the world of dating apps. As your beloved blogger who likes to keep you know, I like to think that it’s at least partially for journalism purposes. While some of the guys on there can be good, I’ve noticed a trend when it comes to certain guys’ profiles and quite predictable behaviors. Tinder. BeforeAnyoneElse. Bumble. SoulSwipe. It’s pretty much the same types of (annoying) guys anywhere in the digital dating space. I’ve listed the most prominent ones my friends and I have noticed, as well as how to spot them.
Mr. Looking for Love (when he needs to look for a dictionary/thesaurus/Google).
This guy, bless his heart, could honestly probably be a good guy. But when you’re looking for a “women”, I’m looking for a way to swipe left as soon as possible. It’s really not him, it’s me. A nerve bulges at my temple when I see spelling errors.
How to spot him: Well, the spelling or grammar errors should be obvious. If not, maybe you deserve each other?
Mr. All Caps-er
He is so full of fervor that he proceeds to type his entire profile in all caps. Again, he might be a good guy, but I have never stopped to investigate. I just feel like I can’t bring you to church and around my bougie friends if you type in all caps.
How to spot him: Again, this is a no-brainer.
Mr. One Sentence Answerer
So this guy is not so easy to spot from his profile. He might be anywhere from mildly attractive with something in his profile that you like to super attractive. And when you match, you do a small mental happy dance that the universe has given you the green light. The problem is, after you match he’s not great with the conversation. You say “hi” and he proceeds to barely respond to your message.
How to spot him: You can’t spot him through his profile, but after day two or so of short answers, feel free to let that ship sail.
Mr. So What’s Your Story?
This guy is much like the person in your job interview that asks “So tell me about yourself.” It can be a loaded question. Do you tell him you are subscribed to the Buzzfeed “This Week in Cats” email newsletter? Or you haven’t been to the gym since Lent (you kicked that habit for good)? Or sometimes you just instantly forget everything notable about you and that question seems impossible after one (read: three) glasses of Pinot Noir. And then when you finally answer, he gives a half-wit reply that shows he isn’t quite as thoughtful as you are.
How to spot him: He asks that question. There’s actually nothing wrong with him or that question. I just personally get annoyed by that. Carrying on.
Mr. Shoot Your Shot
For some reason, some millennial men have taken the quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” to heart and apply it to various facets of their lives. Mr. Shoot Your Shot likes to skip the pleasantries and go straight for what he’s here for. The most awful Mr. Shoot Your Shot goes straight for inquiring if you want to hookup (usually in the most disgusting way). The medium awful Mr. Shoot Your Shot doesn’t care if you might be a serial killer, but tries to invite you to his house right away. He could also have “most awful” tendencies or just really too cheap to date. The least awful Mr. Shoot Your Shot just wants to take you on a date so bad that he doesn’t need a single bit of your vital information and asks right away.
How to spot him: The conversation doesn’t last very long before he shoots his shot. To me, I believe that I’m not the exception to the rule and he is asking every other girl he matches with the same thing. Which is why my answer is always no. If you do think he’s sincere, go ahead but proceed with caution.
Mr. Opening Act
This is a true story. My friend once had a guy open the convo with her with “I heard artsy girls [insert lewd act here].” I don’t know what he expected her to say, but the conversation did not extend too much further than that. He put his all in his opening act, and it miserably failed.
How to spot him: His first message is all bad. There’s really no need to go much further than that. Unless if you watch too many romantic comedies and hope it progresses to a better conversation than that.
Mr. Mediocre Accomplishments
This guy likes to state the most basic of the basic requirements for a possible beau. “I have a place to stay (not homeless? check), a car (good, because I can’t drive for the two of us) and a job (good, because I’m not paying for the two of us).” A few also like to state that they are teamnokids, as if that is a rare accomplishment. I often find myself saying, “so what?” to most of this. I really just need to know if you love to Jesus, Spongebob and Harry Potter.
How to spot him: Definitely in his profile. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but again seeing that in profiles makes me yawn.
Mr. Stand Up Un-comedian
Someone told this guy he was funny one time, and he incorrectly took it to heart. Sometimes he even claims he’s an aspiring comedian in his profile. Aspirations do not make you funny.
How to spot him: He self-reports on this profile or he tells bad jokes. You can’t miss him.
Mr. Ambiguous
He says things in his profile like, “looking for someone to hang out with, maybe someone to take my last name”. I don’t remember things ever getting serious with guys with profiles like this. A lot of times, they are just nicely trying to say “I’m just here for the hookups”. Whichever way, I am often annoyed.
How to spot him: Again, he self-reports on his profile. He might actually want what you want, but proceed with caution.
I will say this a million times – even if the guy fits the description above, he could be actually a super great guy. But I just try to save time and frustration by avoiding these red flags and I hope this can help you too. Don’t forget to share with a fellow single friend!
